Grief
What is the meaning of the word Grief? When you look in a dictionary, there are usually two definitions that come up: one is “trouble or annoyance”, and the second one that we all recognize is described as “intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death”. The thing is, we are all unfortunately familiar with the second one, the one that is causing a lot of pain from inside and the one that will make you go through so many different emotions while you navigate your daily life, this overwhelming feeling, which you think will never go away. What is important to remember is that this pain will soften with time and self-compassion.
They (the experts) say that there are usually 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. However, everyone can experience grief differently, and there are no perfect recipes to overcome grief, of course the best case scenario would be to jump right into acceptance but that would be too easy. Wouldn’t it? Grief may never completely disappear, but over time, life slowly begins to grow around it instead of the grief getting smaller, meaning meeting new people, starting a new hobby, travelling, etc. I know, it doesn’t sound very hopeful when you put it that way, but the truth is, everyone has lived grief or will experience it at least once in their life, and everyone is at some point coming to acceptance around it. But of course, nothing comes easy, and you do have to go through the 5 stages before it gets better.
Grieving, unfortunately, doesn’t come with a manual, it is a ride you have to take on by yourself. Even though grief is a personal journey, it does not mean you have to go through it alone. The opposite would be more preferable. It is important to be surrounded by people who can support you during these difficult times, people who will be able to give you a shoulder to cry on, someone who will reach out to check on you, someone who will be there to listen to you when you want to open up about what you are feeling. It is a period where you need to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel the emotions. Some days will feel lighter than others, and some will still feel very heavy, but each day you are getting closer to the acceptance stage.
When we lose someone, we feel so powerless and defeated. We can’t go back in time and try to save that person, we have no power over it, and I think for me, this is the part where it was the hardest to wrap my head around. I couldn’t go back in time and change the past. I couldn’t have one last goodbye, one last heartfelt conversation where I could lay all my cards on the table and tell her how I felt about her and thank her for everything she had taught me, all the love I got from her, all the sacrifices she made for me. Loss changes the way you see everything, and it does shape you for the future, it teaches you that nothing but love is eternal, and we should cherish the present moment we are lucky to have. I can say that from my past experience, I do see relationships differently, from family to friends, I am more grateful than ever for the people I have around me, that I love and cherish, and I am more grateful than ever to be lucky to spend time with them and share good conversations and laughs. I have decided I don't want to live with regrets anymore and to move forward with what I have learned during the process. It is important to remember the good memories shared with that person, the positive ones, when your loved one was still in the physical world. I have talked to a friend of mine who shared a new perspective on grief, and he was not wrong. When you think about it that way, grief belongs to the people left behind, that’s us. Whatever our beliefs or religion may be, I like to think that the people we lose are finally at peace. We are the ones experiencing all these overwhelming feelings, but we have to remember that this person is probably in a better place now. I personally feel like my mom is close to me wherever I am, she is looking after me, my sisters, and everyone she cares for. I can feel it. And I strongly believe that it is the case for you, whoever you lost, wherever you are, this person is not far from you, even if you can’t see them.
What is important to remember from this is that all stages will come on their own time, some days will be good, some days will be bad, but it will certainly get better with time. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with people who can lift you up and who are supportive, and always remember that love is eternal and nothing can get that away from you. Live your day without any regrets and tell the people you love that you love them.
To whoever experiencing grief right now and could relate to these words, I am sending you comfort, strength and positive energy.
Cheers to the people we lost and that we love.
-Laurie